Pages after pages

Imperfections

I peeped in this hole and there I see. My eyes turned dry and red. Restless world is all there is to watch. I stared blankly at the sight. Creeping cold reached and surrounded my heart. I look closely again, and again till my empty eyes hurt no more, coz of the tears that had just been freed.

Souls who never sleep. Footsteps like a thud on the ground. Running, chasing, reaching, pleading, and bleeding. Hear them, give a hand.

Ghosts from the past that never stop haunting, floating with the breeze of scarred air. Wailing in the sound of their bitter muttering. I closed my lids as tight as it can go, and covered my ears with my bare hands not believing, not wanting. Heavy sigh makes my chest go up and down, up and down, fast and faster and faster. An enigma of imperfections this round world carries along. Never ending, rather, escalating higher beyond the bounds of my imagination.

Gloom if not darkness, and sullen dismay vibes in its every corner. A little cast of sunrise is dreamed hoping to change its entirety. An earthshaking and deafening blast showered oceans of blood that blanketed what ever they have fallen onto. Oh I am blinded, I am wounded with this imperfections that this world possess.

Scarcity that is felt even through my veins, hurts like hundreds of bullets that hit me bare. Feed with love and forgiveness, is all that is asked.

Where is the key, to cleanse this imperfections. Is it hidden behind time? or is it locked in a secret place that needs my prayer, your prayer, our prayer to unlock it?

And what is the key?…..

Pains and Healings.

In our lifetime, we get hurt and our hearts cry out in extreme pain. Things around may all look pitch black, empty and dull. As we go through the pain, we search for reasons that are nowhere to find. Sometimes we even search for the hope that even hope itself, has lost its meaning. We find ourselves at the edge of a high cliff ready to let go and just wish the winds to take us wherever direction it would go. So many questions rattling in our mind, but would always remain unanswered. The extremity of feeling the pain depends on how it happened, who and what caused it. People who are the closest and dearest to our hearts tend to hurt us more often. They may not know it but the heart is vulnerable enough to feel the pain even on the slightest situation it undertakes involving the people that matters a lot.

When the heart couldn’t bear one more pain no more, we cry. Tears come flowing uncontrollably, as if we have an ocean of tears inside. Pains and more pains, but then there’s always a time to heal. It would leave us some scars, some are deep some may not be visible at all, but the most important thing… the heart is healed.

The heart gets broken, gets torn into tiniest bits. However the real deal about our heart is its capability to get over with all the wounds over and over again. In the midst of pain we think there is no way we could put the pieces back. The world becomes too small to move and so we fail to see the brighter side of everything. We have given up clinging to the last ounce of hope left in us.

Sure there is hope. Wise men always say in every “cloud there is always a silver lining. There is always light at the end of the tunnel” and a lot more quotes to comfort us.

A dearest one once told me “I have this overflowing love in my heart that all I wanna do is just to share it, but then everytime I open up my heart and give my love, I always end up hurt”. I don’t know how I would comfort her in her distress. What she said is true. We all have this love kept in our hearts. Most of it are special love meant for someone special, a special someone whom we want to be with everyday of our life. And our special one tend to break our hearts in times when we least expect it. Is it because we all search for something that if we don’t find it present at someone, we move on and continue the search? No matter even if it would mean “pain”?

Healing, when, how, and where does it begin? I believe it starts only when we start to acknowledge the pain. Appreciate how strong the heart is for bearing such big pain. And it will start to get better. Facing face to face with pain is one of the toughest steps to take. But we have to trust our heart. For it carries a special armor. Courage. Trust that we have a brave heart. It is so brave that it is able to face the biggest pain that stood in front of us.

Counting our blessings is the next step to take. We are blessed with wonderful things. God provided us with them. Let’s start counting them now because our years are not enough to count all our blessings and all the miracles. Og Mandino, one of my favorite Authors,said “count your blessings. Once you realized how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play and you will finally be able to move forward the life God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.”

And the last step is rejuvenating start. After the fall, the lows and the aches, the time has come to get to our feet, stand all fresh and in one piece again. Praise God for the endurance, renewed strength, and power! After all He is the courage that lay silent at the core of our hearts.

See children playing inside the wind
Their birth to change the life we’ve sinned
The lazy shimmer of bleached earth drying
Our lonely planet, too soon dying

Factories pump pollution above
Corporations with greed their love
From far away in time and space
Others watch our bitter race

We only have today: we only have ourself
Yet we live with our soul on a shelf
To go away from our heart
Is what keeps humanity apart

Some weeks ago I posted on my wall “I am so much inlove with solitude”. That’s true. I do. I love being confined in my own private world. I read, I think, I reflect, I sleep, I pray and browse the net and just do the things that I enjoy doing all by myself. My solitary moments don’t mean I am detaching myself from the outside world. It is actually my way of becoming more in touch with the world and with my life. Solitude is my vessel to explore the realm of wisdom. As we age, and grow as a unique individual we need ample time to discover who we really are, what we can give, what we can contribute, what we can do to others, what we can share, what are the strengths we need to use to some extents, and the weaknesses we need to appreciate and acknowledge. And as for me, I get to understand things in this times when I am with just my bestfriend, myself.

We have different ways of attaining our understanding about our purpose and existence. It varies depending on how and where we feel comfortable and comforted.

I was glad then, when someone commented about what I posted. Later I knew that he is an artist from New Zealand. Then he shared this with me:

Sunday, March 22, 2009 at 2:42am

“It’s only with understanding and not fearing solitude that we can enjoy and be with others fully.”

-Vincent Du Feu

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

- Unknown

“Solitude is painful when one is young, but delightful when one is more mature.”

– Albert Einstein

“I lived in solitude in the country and noticed how the monotony of a quiet life stimulates the
creative mind”

– Albert Einstein

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.”

– Mother Teresa

“Loneliness is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every [person].”

– Thomas Wolfe

“I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the
solitude of the other”

– Rainer Maria Rilke

For Me

Designed by Johhny Cash.

The Artist’s name is Vincent Du Feu.

i read a note just now, a note written by someone i know. who, just like me an alien in this country. who somehow inspired me to be able to write this as  well. for i really agree with everythin that he said, i share the same insight with this person. 3 years in this land. yeah 3 years. ive been lookin at them as human beings who are walkin in just one straight line. no detours no curves. as a person who’s molded in a country thats totally different in all aspects from theirs, somehow gave me hard times to deal with them, even until this days. I could have adjusted, or i coud have accepted their ways of livin  just like the others who migrated to some other parts of the world, but just  deep down in me i knew I COULDN’t. why? i learnt from my roots how to view things in a much bigger spectrum. so i may understand each human being that i come across with.that knowin people is not just limited to bein white or bein black. that assesing someone must not base on how much money he got in the bank or how many houses or cars he owns nor gold necklaces he has on around his neck.
yeah 3 years of being a wise observer.like lookin at them under the microscope. coz i wanted answers, i wanted to solve some curiosities that already piled up in my mind.one thing that i found out. they live for only money. they die with  nothin.They care much for how they stand in the society where they belong, they make strenous efforts to get somethin as much as they can even if it would mean steppin on to someone smaller than them.
HOw many times i got sarcastic responses on their faces everytime i tell them where i came from. they may not believe that I who will teach them only came from a small country or i dont know how they look at my country. but another fact i am sure of   is because the color of my skin is not white, my eyes are not pair of blue, green or it would have been much better i guess if its red.  no one can just blame me if i just can’t spare them not even a bit of my trust, or even a bit of my patience to stand a small conversation.
sincerity. yeah i see no sincerity in their eyes in even the smallest acts they do for you. there is always something behind those acts. something that always leads to their benefits. i may be very paranoid now. but that is because in those years, thats what ive seen and literally experience. i don’t have regrets being here nor hold any grudges against them though. that’s how they are and i can’t change them. my wisdom just reminds me to just preserve the principles i learnt from my roots, the principles i learnt on my own, and the principles i would soon aquire.